A Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode written by Jane Espenson, and transcribed by Joan the English Chick (firstname.lastname@example.org).
Original Air Date: January 9, 2001
GILES VOICEOVER: Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer...
Buffy talking to the dying monk.
MONK: We had to hide the key ... made it human and sent it to you.
DOCTOR: OK, your mom's in recovery.
BUFFY: Is she all right?
DOCTOR: I think your mother's gonna be fine.
Buffy and the others reacting happily.
SPIKE: I wanna show you something.
Riley being bitten. Buffy walking in, looking shocked.
Buffy yelling at Riley.
BUFFY: I've given you everything that I have, my heart, my body and soul!
RILEY: I just don't feel it. They want me back, Buffy. The military.
RILEY: I'm leaving tonight.
Buffy walking out on Riley.
Riley in the helicopter flying away. Buffy on the ground below, yelling up at him.
Episode begins: Exterior shot of Xander's apartment building, night.
Cut to Xander lying in bed staring at the ceiling.
XANDER: You ever have that feeling where there's something you know you're supposed to do and you forgot what it was?
We see Anya lying next to him. She thinks about it.
XANDER: I've been having that feeling, I just realized what it was. (looks at Anya) Like three weeks ago Riley asked me to borrow a crescent wrench. (shakes his head) I keep having this feeling like I'm supposed to give it to him.
ANYA: Well, that's not going to happen unless he comes back. You know, not to get the crescent wrench. Just to come back.
XANDER: I just mean, sometimes I sort of forget that he's gone. It's like, "where's Riley? Oh wait, the central republic of Where-in-the-hell."
ANYA: (softly) Xander?
He looks at her. We see they're holding hands.
ANYA: If you ever decide to go, I want a warning. You know, big flashing red lights, and-and-and one of those clocks that counts down like a bomb in a movie? And there's a whole bunch of, of colored wires, and I'm not sure which is the right one to cut, but I guess the green one, and then at the last second "No! The red one!" and then click, it stops with three-tenths of a second left, but then you don't leave. (pause) Like that, okay?
XANDER: Check. Big bomb clock. (She smiles) Come here.
He puts his arm around her and she moves to put her head on his chest.
ANYA: Maybe it's her.
ANYA: Well, maybe it won't happen to us because it's all about *her* messing things up. She couldn't make it work with Angel, and then she let Riley go away.
XANDER: Yeah, relationship debris is kind of piling up on the Buffy highway.
ANYA: Hmm. Humans make the same mistakes over and over. I saw it when I was a vengeance demon. Some guy dumps a girl, she calls me, I exact vengeance, blah blah blah, the next year, same girl, different guy. I mean, after you smite a few of 'em you start going "my goodness, young lady ... maybe you're doing something wrong here too."
XANDER: I don't think it's a pattern with her. No, it's just ... you know, now that it happened again ... man number two ... I wonder how she's dealing with it.
Cut to: a courtyard filled with nuns. The camera follows one of them whom we only see from the back. She has a blonde curl of hair sticking out from under her habit.
Suddenly a vampire appears behind her, backing away from something. He bumps into the nun, turns around and grabs her, holds her in front of him. The nun screams. The vampire pushes her aside as Buffy runs up and kicks him in the face. He falls backward, flips upright again. Buffy kicks him again. They continue fighting as the nun watches in amazement.
Buffy hits the vampire, he kicks Buffy twice, then she hits him a few times, kicks him a few times, and thrusts with her stake, but he grabs her arm and pushes her away. Buffy ducks as he leaps at her, then she straightens up and stakes him.
Buffy tosses the stake aside and goes to the nun, who is still on the ground.
NUN: What, what, what was that, he looked like a, a demon!
BUFFY: Yeah, he did. Are you okay?
NUN: Yeah, I think so.
Buffy helps the nun get up.
BUFFY: So, um, a-about being a nun... (They begin to walk along together) you know, um, with the whole ... abjuring the company of men ... you know, how's that working for you? The... abjuring.
NUN: (confused) Um ... good.
BUFFY: Yeah, do you, do you have to be like super-religious?
NUN: Well, uh...
BUFFY: How's the food?
Wolf howl. Opening credits.
Marc Blucas (Riley) is no longer shown as part of the regular cast.
Guest starring Abraham Benrubi, Amber Benson as Tara, and Kristine Sutherland as Joyce Summers. Written by Jane Espenson, directed by Christopher Hibler.
Fade in on Buffy and Giles in the exercise room. Giles has padded mitts on his hands and Buffy is training, hitting Giles in sequence.
GILES: All right. Switch. Left lead.
Buffy continues hitting.
BUFFY: So you really think they might be able to help us?
GILES: Uh, if you mean are they gonna help us find out something about Glory ... I saw that coming. You're dropping your shoulder. (Buffy looks surprised, continues hitting) Uh, the resources that the ... Watchers Council has at their disposal, (wistfully) I mean the Central Library alone is just...
Buffy stops hitting.
BUFFY: (sternly) Don't talk about the books again. You get all ... and sometimes there's drool.
She resumes hitting.
GILES: I'm sorry, but we, we've really exhausted the materials I have here, and we're coming up empty. (More hitting) You're, you're still dropping your shoulder. I can see when you're gonna go with your right. (More hitting) You're doing it again!
Buffy hits him sharply in the upper arm and he stumbles aside.
BUFFY: Sorry! Sorry. So, Glory's all you're gonna talk to them about, right?
GILES: (nods, rubs his shoulder) Let's, let's take a break. (Turns away)
BUFFY: Answer me.
GILES: (moving away, gestures with the mitts still on his hands) I, I'm not gonna mention Dawn's name. I wouldn't do that, I promise.
BUFFY: But you're gonna tell them about the key? That Glory's looking for something called the key?
GILES: (removes mitts) Well, knowing her goal is, is crucial. I mean, i-i-if anything helps them uncover her origins, her, her plans...
BUFFY: I know. It's just I trust these Watchers about as far as ... you could throw them.
GILES: (pouring himself a glass of water) Thank you very much.
BUFFY: (sighs) I'm just freaked about the idea of giving them any information that could possibly lead them to Dawn. (She comes over and sits on a bench. Giles sits next to her)
GILES: Truly, Buffy, if I saw an alternative ... if, if the Initiative were still around, I'd consider using them, but... they're gone, and then Riley was, was, uh, the last link we had to the government.
Giles wipes his face with a towel. Buffy looks down sadly.
GILES: Sorry, I didn't mean to....
BUFFY: It's okay. You can say his name. (pensively) I'm doing all right. These things happen. People break up and they move on ... for a while it feels like the end of the world, you know, but ... big picture...
GILES: Not so huge.
Buffy looks at him in disbelief.
BUFFY: Not so huge? I just said it feels like the end of the world, don't you listen?
Giles looks dismayed. Buffy leans in closer toward him.
BUFFY: (whispers) I'm teasing.
GILES: (relieved smile) Oh.
BUFFY: Sort of. I'll be okay.
GILES: Well, I do hate to go if you're feeling badly.
BUFFY: look, if it help you find out something about Glory, (pats him on the back) I'm thrilled to have you gone.
She hops off the bench and walks away.
Cut to: magic shop, day. Anya, Xander, Willow, Tara, and Buffy sit around the round table looking at books and papers. Xander has Willow on his right and Anya on his left. Giles stands next to the table fastening his tie.
ANYA: You're going away for a *week*? That's great!
GILES: Yes, yes, everybody seems delighted about it. (picks something up to read)
ANYA: Well, I get to run the store, right?
Giles looks alarmed.
GILES: You? Ah, w-well, it's quite a lot for one person to take care of. Well, I-I mean, the trash men, for example, I mean, they, they, they've been making such a mess in the back alley, the recycling people can't get in there to collect. Well, somebody has to talk to them.
ANYA: I can take care of that.
TARA: I'm envious, Mr. Giles. A trip to England sounds so exciting and exotic. (realizes) Un...less you're English. (Giles grins)
BUFFY: Look, don't worry about the shop. We'll take care of it. We can open and close, and, and we'll deal with everyone.
WILLOW: We can come by between classes! Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens ... but it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane.
TARA: I said "quirky."
ANYA: (annoyed) Hello, I work here! I'll take care of everything.
XANDER: (not looking up from his reading) Yeah, Anya can do it!
ANYA: Thanks, sweetie. (pats him on shoulder) Well said.
GILES: Um, Anya, while, while I completely trust you uh, uh, to take care of the inventory and the money, um ... dealing with people requires a certain, uh ... finesse.
ANYA: (angry) I have finesse! I have finesse coming out of my bottom! I can completely lie to the health inspector. I can, you know, distract him with coy smiles, and, and bribe him with money and goods.
XANDER: See there? She'll be great.
WILLOW: Don't worry, Giles. I'll help her take care of everything. It'll be ship-shape. Better, it'll be shop-shape. (smiles)
ANYA: Xander, she's talking to Giles like I'm not here. Make her stop.
GILES: Perhaps I'd better call the airline...
WILLOW: I'm just trying to help out! Xander, tell her. (smacks Xander in the arm)
GILES: ...schedule an earlier flight back, excuse me.
ANYA: Tell her that I don't need her help.
Xander sits between Anya and Willow looking uncomfortable.
XANDER: (to Buffy) So, how goes the slaying?
BUFFY: I killed something in a convent last night.
XANDER: In any other room, a frightening declaration. Here, a welcome distraction. (Anya and Willow both look at him) Tell us all about the killing, Buff.
BUFFY: Pretty standard. Vampire staking. Ooh! But I met a nun, and she let me try on her wimple.
XANDER: Okay, now we're back to frightening.
Cut to: exterior of the Summers house, night.
Cut to: Joyce's bedroom. A light-blue bathrobe lies on the bed. Buffy enters, sees it, frowns, looks up.
We see Joyce wearing a striped sweater and dark pants. She has a scarf over part of her head.
BUFFY: You with the actual clothing, who are you? (turns toward Dawn's bedroom door) Dawn, come look at this.
JOYCE: It's hard to recognize me, huh?
BUFFY: No more bathrobe.
JOYCE: Hmm. I looked at it today, and there it was, all fuzzy and blue, (shot of the bathrobe) and I just couldn't stand it any more.
BUFFY: I don't think the rest of us will miss it much either.
DAWN: It was getting a little ripe, Mom.
BUFFY: (to Dawn) Maybe we should burn it.
DAWN: It would keep the bugs away.
JOYCE: It doesn't smell! Fine, fine, make your funny jokes at the expense of the woman with the hole in her skull. (Sits on the bed)
BUFFY: (to Dawn) Let's go. I think we've tired her out.
Buffy goes into her room. Dawn follows. Joyce watches them with a smile, then leans back and sighs.
Buffy walks into her room, sits on the bed and begins flipping through a magazine. Dawn stands in the doorway watching.
DAWN: Whatcha doin'?
BUFFY: Playing soccer.
DAWN: Can I hang out in here?
BUFFY: Don't touch anything.
Dawn comes into the room, looks at a corkboard where several photos are hanging.
DAWN: You took down his pictures.
DAWN: I ... I think I would've done that sooner. Like, boom! "Don't wanna see that face again."
BUFFY: It wasn't like that. I was never angry with him. (sighs) Okay, that's a lie. But it's not like I don't want to see his face.
DAWN: I was just starting to kinda like the guy, and then ... gone. So fast.
BUFFY: It wasn't really so fast. Him leaving. According to everyone who isn't me, it was kind of gradual.
DAWN: Oh. Does that make it any better?
Dawn sits on the end of the bed.
DAWN: Because you should have noticed earlier?
BUFFY: Stop being insightful. It's creepy. (Dawn continues looking at her. Buffy speaks more softly.) It hurts. In all kinds of horrible ways. In the way where I'm furious at him ... in the way where I blame myself ... and all the little ways I imagine ... how I could have fixed things.
DAWN: It'll get better. (Frowns) Won't it?
BUFFY: I hope so. Yes. It has to. (Dawn lies down, puts her head in Buffy's lap. Buffy strokes her hair) I'll just keep going like I have been, and every day it'll get a little bit better.
DAWN: Really? Every day?
BUFFY: Not really. But it'll be better soon.
DAWN: It still feels all sudden to me. With him gone where no one can talk to him.
BUFFY: But you never know. Maybe he'll come back. Maybe he'll hate the jungle ... or maybe he'll want to give it another try. I could ... say all the things I didn't get to say.
Cut to: Spike holding a box of chocolates. He talks to someone we can't see.
SPIKE: (softly) Um ... there's something I got to tell you. About showing you Riley in that place. (deep breath) I didn't mean to ... (long pause) Anyway, I know you're feeling all betrayed - by him, not me. (The camera pans around and we see he is talking to a mannequin, which has no legs but wears a blue blouse and a blonde wig. It's set up on a block of stone so that it is about Buffy's height.) I was trying to help, you know. Not like I made him be there, after all. Actually trying to help you. Best intentions.
He gets a little agitated, paces a few steps away.
SPIKE: I mean, you know, pretty state you'd be in, thinking things are all right (moves back toward the mannequin) while he's toddling halfway round the bend. (Stares at the mannequin, gets madder) Oh, I'll insult him if I want to! I'm the one who's on your side! Me! Doing you a favor! (very angry) And you, being dead petty about it - me, getting nothing but your hatred and your venom and - you ungrateful bitch!
He loses control of himself, smashes the box of chocolates over the mannequin's head.
He hits the mannequin with the chocolates again and it falls over. The box of chocolate goes flying.
Spike sighs. He picks up the mannequin and replaces it. He carefully rearranges the wig, sighs again, picks up the box of chocolate, tries to stuff the chocolates back in. He composes himself and faces the mannequin again.
SPIKE: (quietly) Buffy ... there's something I wanted to tell you.
Cut to: magic shop. Anya is working at the cash register. Willow stands behind her with her back to the camera, holding a book. Tara is standing by the shelves behind the register, where there are jars of magical supplies.
WILLOW: Good, and, and hellebore. It's up and to the right.
Tara takes down a vial and gives it to Willow.
TARA: Hellebore, one of my favorites.
WILLOW: It's powerful stuff. (She and Tara walk out from behind the counter) I tried to use it to de-rat Amy, and it didn't work. But I think it might have made her really smart. (They approach the table, where a variety of magical supplies are laid out. Willow puts the vial into a rack with some others.) She keeps giving me these looks like she's planning something. Rubbing her paws together.
Anya comes out from behind the counter and walks over to them.
ANYA: (annoyed) Hey. What are you two doing?
WILLOW: Oh, we're gonna try out a few spells.
TARA: There's this thing you can do where you create light, and we thought, what if you could make, like, simulated sunlight?
WILLOW: Yeah, so then, you know, there Buffy is, middle of the night, and she finds this whole nest of vamps, a-and then she just goes, "Presto!"
TARA: Only it won't be "presto" exactly.
WILLOW: And, and voom! There's a, a floating ball of sunlight. Vamps get dusty.
TARA: You don't wanna look right at it, though.
ANYA: That's swell, but you can't use this stuff. Giles has only been gone two days and you're already causing trouble. You shouldn't do things while he's gone.
WILLOW: (smiling) You're the fish!
WILLOW: The, the fish in the bowl, in The Cat in the Hat. He was always saying that the cat shouldn't be there while the mother was out.
ANYA: What are you talking about?
TARA: It's a book. This cat does all this mischief.
WILLOW: It's so cute. He balances a bunch of stuff, including that fish in the bowl! A-and, but don't try it for real when you're six, because then you're not allowed to have fish for five years.
ANYA: (upset) You're referencing literature I have no way to be familiar with. You're trying to make me feel left out, and you're stealing!
WILLOW: I'm not stealing. I-I'm just taking things without paying for th... (pauses) In what twisted dictionary is that stealing?
TARA: Willow, maybe we should just pay.
WILLOW: Anya, Giles would be totally fine with this. Come on, it'll be fun. (Gets an idea) We could show you how to do some stuff! You could be floatin' pencils by the end of the day.
ANYA: Sometimes I miss having powers. (Willow grins. Anya realizes something) Oh. Oh! I know what this is! (shaking her finger at them) This is peer pressure! Any second now you're gonna make me smoke tobacco and, and have drugs.
WILLOW: Look how easy.
They all look at the table. A small stick of dried sage and a vial rise off the table and float in the air.
ANYA: Hey! Don't float the merchandise! (grabs the items and puts them back on the table)
Willow turns. A few items on the counter rise into the air.
ANYA: Stop that!
Xander appears, walking past the floating stuff without noticing.
XANDER: Hey, look at this, my two favorite girls! (to Tara) Three favorite girls.
ANYA: Xander, Willow's stealing. She's a burglar.
WILLOW: Right, the cunning, broad daylight in front of everyone burglar. Xander, I'm just doing a spell to help Buffy.
ANYA: Xander, Giles left me in charge. Tell her.
XANDER: Hey, hey, Judge Xander requesting a recess here.
TARA: You really shouldn't pull him into this.
XANDER: Yeah, see? Tara's with me. (moves to stand behind Tara) Protect me, Tara.
WILLOW: (walks back behind the counter, holding a mortar and pestle) Xander, what I'm doing, it's a good thing. And if it doesn't work, Giles never even needs to know about it.
She puts the mortar and pestle on the counter, takes a pinch of something out of the bowl, and sprinkles it on the cash register. The register disappears in a puff of pink smoke.
Anya rushes over. The others come over as well.
ANYA: The cash register! What did you do with the cash register? Dear god!
WILLOW: I'll fix it, I'll fix it! Recursat. (latin translation: revert/return)
Another pink puff, and the register reappears, now with the receipt paper hanging out of it in long curls. Smoke rises out of it.
WILLOW: There, all back. Good as new.
ANYA: Money. Did you hurt the money? (Opens the cash register and coughs as more smoke (not pink) comes out) Money good? (takes out some money and shakes it at Xander) She endangered the money! (Xander shrugs)
WILLOW: Of course, that's what she cares about. (imitates Anya) "I like money better than people. People can so rarely be exchanged for goods and/or services."
ANYA: (horrified) Xander, she's pretending to be me!
WILLOW: Well, can you even believe how she's acting?
XANDER: Okay, you know what? I'm tired of being the one in the middle. I'm not gonna let you pull me into this.
WILLOW: I'm not.
XANDER: Whatever the issue is between you two, just figure it out without me.
He begins to walk out.
ANYA: Xander, don't go!
Xander slams the door behind him.
WILLOW: (softly) You made him mad.
ANYA: (angrily) Me?!
WILLOW: Tara, who do you think he was more mad at?
TARA: Um, you know? I think, uh, maybe, maybe you guys have some stuff you need to work out, you know, just really ... talk.
She leaves. Anya and Willow look at each other.
Cut to: exterior of magic shop, day.
Cut to inside. Anya sits on a stool near the shelves, holding a pencil and notepad. Willow is at the counter, where she has a large cauldron and a bunch of vials and containers laid out.
WILLOW: Fleabane... (measures some stuff into her mortar)
ANYA: Fifteen cents. (writes)
WILLOW: Salamander eyes... (puts them into the mortar)
ANYA: Ten bucks for twelve. Bargain. (writes)
WILLOW: Bindweed. (puts it in)
ANYA: Ugh, ooh, that's a pricey one. (writes)
WILLOW: Would you stop that? It's very distracting.
ANYA: Fine. Make your little ball of sunshine. I'll be quiet.
WILLOW: Good, because this spell is very sensitive. Once I begin, any non-ritual word can disrupt it. (mashes the ingredients together with the pestle)
WILLOW: Okay, here we go.
She pours the mixture into the cauldron. Then she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.
ANYA: Did you start yet?
WILLOW: (exhales loudly, turns to give Anya an annoyed look) Shh, no! This is it.
Again she closes her eyes and inhales.
WILLOW: Spirits of light, I invoke thee. Let the gloom of darkness part before you.
A small circlet of yellow-orange light arises out of the cauldron and begins to spin.
WILLOW: Let the moonlight be made pale by your presence. Spirits-
ANYA: Is it done?
The circle of light flashes brighter and grows a bit larger.
WILLOW: Spirits of light, grant my wishes.
ANYA: Sorry, I thought you were done.
WILLOW: (angry) Do you *wanna* screw this up?
Willow turns away to yell at Anya. The circle of light grows bigger and brighter, and its spinning becomes less smooth. It continues to grow and twist crazily.
ANYA: No. No. I'm sure you can do that all on your own.
WILLOW: Hey Anya, whatever really has you mad, why don't you just say it, like you do every other thought that stomps through your brain?
ANYA: (stands up) I believe I have said it.
WILLOW: No. You haven't. Come on. Let it out!
The circle of light suddenly drops down through the glass of the countertop and touches a large crystal that is in the display case underneath. It gives off a big flash of light and a large demon (Olaf) suddenly appears next to the counter. Willow and Anya shriek and grab each other.
Olaf stumbles a bit, gets his balance and looks around. He is about seven feet tall, with long hair and green scaly skin and a big beard covering most of his face, and two curved horns on his head. He holds a large hammer.
Anya and Willow stare in shock.
Olaf looks at himself, looks around. He turns and sees the two girls, and roars loudly. They shriek again and clutch each other.
Olaf turns and uses his hammer to smash a display case full of merchandise, then another, growling all the time. Then he smashes a statue on a pedestal. He goes to the door and stumbles outside, still roaring.
Willow and Anya come forward.
WILLOW: He's not a ball of sunshine.
Fade in on Buffy and Tara in a classroom, surrounded by other students. Tara holds some books. A professor hands Buffy a piece of paper.
BUFFY: (sighs) New semester, new classes. (She and Tara begin to walk out into the hallway) Whole new vistas of knowledge to be confused and intimidated by.
TARA: (laughs) I think this one's gonna be kind of fun. Greek Art's gonna touch on so many things -- mythology, history, philosophy...
BUFFY: (whispering) The professor spit too much when he talked. It was like being at Sea World. "The first five rows will get wet."
TARA: (laughs) That was just, you know, um, enthusiasm.
BUFFY: It seemed very much like saliva.
TARA: We'll sit farther back next time.
BUFFY: Good plan. (stops walking, folds the paper and puts it in her bag) I need to keep this course. The only other thing that fits into my schedule is Central American Geopolitics.
Tara: (grimaces) Hmm.
BUFFY: And no, thank you. (resumes walking) I even hear the word jungle, all I can think of is him. (Tara looks sympathetic) You know, "is that the one Riley's in?" Really don't need a daily 2:00 knife in the heart.
TARA: Is it that bad?
BUFFY: (stops walking) Sort of. But I'm starting to get perspective on the whole situation. You know, maybe Riley's ... where he's supposed to be. You know, maybe he needed ... to be where he was needed.
TARA: Willow says that things always happen for a reason.
BUFFY: But you ever notice people only say that about bad things? (Tara laughs) But not for me the furrowed brow. (resumes walking) What do you say we go pick up Willow and indulge ourselves in a little after-school hamburger?
TARA: I guess we could. She might still be at the magic shop. I was there earlier, and she and Anya kinda got in this little squabble ... Xander and I sort of cleared out, he was pretty upset.
BUFFY: (stops walking, looks very concerned) Anya and, and Xander are in trouble?
TARA: Oh! No, I-I said that all wrong. It was nothing. Willow and Anya were sort of fighting, and then Xander kind of snapped at both of them and he left.
BUFFY: (alarmed) He left? Xander left Anya?
TARA: (frowning) Ummm ... no, not "left her" left her, he just left. It was only a little thing, it-
BUFFY: Little thing? (tearfully) See, the thing is, the ... little things get bigger, you know, and, and, and, and, if you don't catch the little thing and then, boom! You have this, this, this whole huge thing!
TARA: Oh dear.
BUFFY: (sniffling) Not, not, not them with the little things! They can't break up!
TARA: Oh, I think-
BUFFY: They have a beautiful love.
TARA: I think they'll be fine.
Buffy bursts into tears and puts her face against Tara's shoulder, hugging her. Tara looks alarmed, pats Buffy on the back.
BUFFY: (muffled) They have a miraculous love!
BUFFY: (sobbing) A miraculous love!
Cut to: Giles's convertible zooming down the streets of Sunnydale. We see another car by the side of the road with its side all smashed in.
ANYA: There, that parked car! We're still on his trail.
We see that Anya is driving while Willow sits in the passenger seat holding a bunch of papers. The car screeches around a corner.
WILLOW: I don't even get how we made that guy, because, wow, advanced! (She continues looking through the papers)
ANYA: No one made him. He must have been trapped in that crystal, and you released him.
WILLOW: *I* released him? No, this was definitely a "we" thing. Or, or a "you" thing! I-it definite feels like a you thing.
ANYA: Look, just find the reversal spell. And hurry! Look what he did to that lamppost!
We see a lamppost lying on the ground, broken in two.
WILLOW: I'm trying. Put the top up, the pages are all blowy!
ANYA: Well, I don't know how to put the top up, I only just figured out what the left pedal does. (turns to smile at Willow) It makes us stop!
Anya slams on the brake and they slow down with a screech. Willow grabs the side of the car for balance. Anya resumes driving.
WILLOW: You don't know how to drive? Why didn't you say you don't know how to drive?
ANYA: Well, I couldn't know if I could until I tried, could I?
They exchange an angry look.
WILLOW: This is very, very bad. There, there's an ogre on the loose-
ANYA: Troll on the loose. Now hold on, I'm gonna press the right pedal harder. (smiling) I expect us to accelerate.
She presses on the gas pedal and they both lean back in their seats as the car speeds up. Willow looks very angry.
WILLOW: (yelling over the engine noise) There's a troll on the loose, and you're gonna crash Giles' car!
ANYA: (agreeing) It's likely. We're going very fast. You should have listened to me and not done the spell. Giles put me in charge.
WILLOW: Giles can be an idiot. The smart kind, but still.
ANYA: Xander agreed.
WILLOW: Oh, right. Xander doesn't step out of line.
ANYA: (turns to look at her) Well, what do you mean by that?
Willow looks ahead, points at something. Anya looks, twists the wheel quickly. The car screeches around another corner, narrowly misses hitting another parked car, which has its roof bashed in. Some of the papers fly out of Willow's hands and are gone with the wind behind the car. Willow watches them go.
ANYA: Find that spell quickly!
WILLOW: Whoa, that's gone.
Cut to: interior of the Bronze. Xander takes a bowl of peanuts from the counter and turns away. As he walks away he bumps into Spike, who is drinking a mug of beer.
SPIKE: Hey, watch it. (looks at Xander) Oh, it's you.
XANDER: Spike, don't let me stop you from not being here.
SPIKE: I was here first, you know.
XANDER: Uh-huh. Go away.
Xander walks off. Spike grins and follows him.
SPIKE: Now why would I do that, when it's bugging you so much having me here?
Xander sits at a round table and begins shelling the peanuts. Spike watches.
SPIKE: They have chicken wings too. Also a sort of a flower-shaped thing they make from an onion. It's brilliant.
XANDER: Are you talking to me hoping that I'll get so depressed that I'll impale myself on a fork right in front of you?
SPIKE: Lovely thought. If I don't hurt you myself, the chip wouldn't zap me. I could eat you that way. Beat the onion thing all to hell.
Spike reaches over to take one of Xander's peanuts. Xander slaps his hand away.
XANDER: Hey! Those are mine.
SPIKE: My, my. Someone's in a temper. (sits down opposite Xander) This all sympathetic misery borrowed from the Slayer?
XANDER: What? No, nothing to do with Buffy.
SPIKE: So she's all right then. Not, uh ... holding grudges.
XANDER: What are you talking about? What does Buffy have to do with anything? What grudges?
SPIKE: Oh, yeah. Okay. No need to talk about her then. I'm sure she's merrily slaying some pals of mine, having a grand old time.
He eyes Xander warily as he takes another sip of his beer.
BUFFY VOICEOVER: This is very bad.
Cut to: interior of magic shop. Buffy steps around the broken debris lying on the floor.
BUFFY: (calling) Willow? Anya?
Tara comes running from the back room.
TARA: They're not back there either, they're gone. (anxious) Buffy, something's been here and Willow's gone.
BUFFY: Don't worry. We'll get her back, I promise. (Tara nods) Come on, this thing's probably leaving a huge trail.
Buffy grabs Tara's hand and they both run out.
Cut to: city street, night. Olaf comes round a corner with his hammer. He uses it to hit a large dumpster, which goes spinning across the street toward a bunch of passers-by. The people stare. Olaf laughs loudly.
OLAF: Puny receptacle!
He growls and hits a mailbox with his hammer. It flies toward the dumpster. The people begin to move away in alarm.
OLAF: Rrrah! You do well to flee, townspeople! I will pillage your lands and dwellings! (The people begin to run away) I will burn your crops and make merry sport with your more attractive daughters! Ha ha ha! Mark my words!
He pauses and sniffs the air.
OLAF: Ooh! Ale! I smell delicious ale!
He walks off.
Cut to: interior of the Bronze. Spike and Xander are playing pool together.
XANDER: And they get in these fights, and they're both looking at me like I'm the referee. Also, sometimes I'll say something about Anya, and Willow'll get this look, this, um, "what the hell do you see in her" look.
SPIKE: I know that look. Lot of people never really got Dru, you know.
XANDER: Well, she was insane. (Spike looks offended) Then it's like, well, I get all torn. Because, Willow's my best friend and I really value her opinion, but, uh, Anya's my girlfriend, you know?
SPIKE: Hmm. What does the Slayer think of all this ... friction in the ranks? (walks around the pool table to study the angles) Can't be good for morale.
XANDER: I don't know.
SPIKE: (bitterly) She's a little ... preoccupied, maybe. It's understandable what with all the upset, all the blaming of innocent bystanders who got caught up in the mess.
SPIKE: (walks closer to Xander) I mean, did she *want* to be made a fool of? And, what does a person have to do to make it right? (Olaf walks past, bumping Spike's shoulder) Hey, watch it, mate.
Spike turns to look up at Olaf. Both he and Xander stare.
SPIKE: On second thought, do what you like.
Olaf sniffs the air.
OLAF: Ale! Yes!
He walks over to where a guy is wheeling a dolly with two half-kegs on it.
OLAF: Ah, fragrant ale!
Olaf picks up a keg with one hand, lifts it to his mouth and begins to drink.
XANDER: (still standing behind Spike) So, uh ... think I should run and get Buffy?
Olaf finishes off the keg, sighs happily and tosses it aside. He looks around at the patrons staring at him in fear. He spots a waitress.
OLAF: Barmaid! Bring me stronger ale, and some plump, succulent babies to eat.
XANDER: I'm gonna run and get Buffy. (Pats Spike on the shoulder) Or maybe you could fight him.
SPIKE: Yeah, I could do that, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much.
OLAF: (pointing at Spike) You there! (walks up to Spike and Xander) Do you know where there are babies?
SPIKE: (to Xander) What do you think, the hospital?
XANDER: What? Shut up! (to Olaf) Um ... listen...
OLAF: I find myself very hungry. And when I'm hungry I grow short of patience.
XANDER: Well, we can take care of the hungry, so how's about you just sit down in one of the ... sturdier chairs, and we can ... have a calm talk and something to eat.
OLAF: Can it be babies?
XANDER: Well, not so much.
OLAF: (disappointed) Oh.
XANDER: But maybe ... some roast pigs, and ... stags, and ... much hearty grog. (grins nervously)
SPIKE: They've got this onion thing...
OLAF: You cannot appease me! Do not try! (turns away) More ale!
He grabs the second keg off the dolly. Xander and Spike edge toward the door. Just as they reach it, Anya and Willow enter. Willow carries a book.
ANYA: Xander! You shouldn't be here. There's a troll. (She goes over to him and they put their arms around each other)
XANDER: Uh, a big guy? Hammer? (Anya nods) I think I noticed him. (points)
Anya and Willow look over at where Olaf is draining the second keg.
WILLOW: I wish Buffy was here.
The door opens again and Buffy runs in, followed by Tara.
BUFFY: I'm here.
Willow looks surprised.
WILLOW: I wish I had a million dollars. (The others look at her) Just checking.
BUFFY: (looks at Olaf) What's going on? Where did he come from?
Spike steps forward, looking nervous.
SPIKE: Hello, Buffy.
Buffy looks at him.
ANYA: (still holding on to Xander) Willow stole ingredients and released him from a purple crystal. He's a troll.
Spike looks annoyed, steps back.
BUFFY: (to Willow) You did this?
WILLOW: Me? No, we. I mean, us. (points to Anya) Uh, her. It's very complex.
ANYA: Well, we can stop him. Willow, do the spell.
Willow opens her book to read.
WILLOW: Uh, let the conjuring be-
Olaf suddenly stops drinking and looks over at them.
They all look up at him. He growls.
WILLOW: Nobody lets me finish!
OLAF: You ... told the witch to do that, Anyanka. (Anya looks alarmed) You seem determined to put an end to all my fun. Just like you always did when we were dating!
Buffy, Tara, and Willow stare at Anya.
Spike stares at Anya.
ANYA: Uh, um...
XANDER: You dated him?
BUFFY: You dated a troll?
WILLOW: And we're what, surprised by this?
ANYA: Well, he wasn't a troll then! You know, he was just a big dumb guy, and ... well, you know, he cheated on me and I made him into a troll, which by the way is... (embarrassed) how I got the ... job as a vengeance demon.
Olaf roars angrily and smashes the countertop with his hammer. Patrons scream and run away.
OLAF: I did not cheat! Not in my heart. It was only one wench! I, I had had a great deal of mead! Next thing I know, I'm a troll! Ohh ... ohh ... you did this, Anyanka. You will die for this.
XANDER: But, but, you seem to enjoy the, the being a troll.
OLAF: (shrugs) I adjusted. And then what happened? Witches. (Willow looks offended) Filthy, dirty, disgusting witches. They trapped me. I was imprisoned in that crystal for centuries. Ohh, a curse on all witches! All must die!
BUFFY: (to Willow) Willow, again.
WILLOW: Uh, uh, (looks at book) Let the conjuring be undone. Return the beast to native form.
OLAF: comes toward them) Witch, you must stop!
WILLOW: (quickly) Keep it far from us and ours as long as my voice shall sound.
Olaf pauses, looks down at himself. Nothing happens. He begins to laugh. Willow flips pages frantically.
OLAF: (laughs) It did not work!
WILLOW: Okay, wait! Uh, "Let the conjuring-"
Olaf lunges forward but Buffy kicks him in the chest. As she drives him back, kicking and punching, Spike follows right behind her. Buffy ducks a punch and Spike prepares to punch Olaf himself, but gets caught by a swinging arm and goes flying aside.
Buffy seizes Olaf and shoves him down on a pool table. They both grapple for his hammer. Olaf shoves Buffy and she goes flying backward into Spike, who had just gotten up. They both fall down again. Olaf gets up from the pool table and begins smashing the pillars that hold up the mezzanine level of the Bronze. People scream and run.
Buffy is on the floor on top of Spike. She tries to get up and Spike acts like he's helping her, but actually he's hindering by clutching her around the waist. Finally she gets to her feet and rushes off. Spike watches her go with a smirk.
Olaf continues smashing pillars as people run around screaming. Xander and Anya cower in a corner. Olaf smashes another pillar and the entire upper level of the Bronze comes crashing down, bringing people and tables with it. Buffy covers her head with her hands as the debris falls on her. Some of the people manage to cling to the railings, dangling in the air, but then they lose their grips and fall to the floor below.
Fade back in on the Bronze. A large piece of wood is pinning Buffy down and she lifts it off her as Tara helps. Spike runs up and holds the thing out of the way so Buffy can get up. She rushes over to Willow, Xander, and Anya standing nearby.
BUFFY: Where is he?
BUFFY: Xander, follow him. (Xander nods) Anya, Willow, head back to the magic shop, find a spell that will actually stop him.
The others leave. Buffy goes over to Tara who is trying to move some debris off a pair of injured people. Buffy helps clear the stuff away and they check on the victims.
We see Spike crouching next to another injured woman. She has blood on her face. Spike puts something under her head for support. Buffy sees him and approaches.
BUFFY: What are you doing?
SPIKE: Making this woman more comfortable. (looks up at Buffy) I'm not sampling, I'll have you know. (looks around) Just look at all these lovely blood-covered people. I could, but not a taste for Spike, not a lick. Know you wouldn't like it.
BUFFY: (amazed) You want credit for not feeding on bleeding disaster victims?
SPIKE: Well, yeah.
BUFFY: You're disgusting. (Walks away)
Spike looks after her in disbelief.
SPIKE: (to himself) What's it take? (sighs, continues helping the injured woman)
Cut to: interior of the magic shop. Willow is looking at bookshelves.
WILLOW: Hurry up! I'm taking everything on relocation spells, suspension spells, and, what the heck, spells to make him really sleepy, 'cause, slightly better.
She takes some books and puts them on the table. Anya approaches from the counter, her arms full of supplies.
ANYA: In case we need 'em, I'm getting more of all the things you stole.
WILLOW: I didn't - why do you do that?
ANYA: What? (Goes back to the counter for more stuff)
WILLOW: You're so rude! I mean, sure, at first, ex-demon, doesn't know the rules. Well, you been here forever. Learn the rules.
ANYA: (putting more stuff on table) Rules are stupid.
WILLOW: Great, whatever. (they both sit down and open books) I just thought you might be interested in learning to act more human. Some of us enjoy it. Oh, look for, uh, spells with dimensional portals too.
ANYA: I *am* a human. And there are ... many humans who are stranger than me.
WILLOW: Uh-huh, but, unless I'm really wrong about crazy Larry down at the bus stop, he's probably not gonna turn Xander into a troll.
ANYA: Well, now, that's a very complicated proced... (pauses) Oh. You think I'm gonna hurt Xander? I would *never* hurt Xander! (Willow looks skeptical) You really think I would do that!
WILLOW: Anya, it's what you do. You spent what, a thousand years hurting men? You got your "thousand years of hurting men" gold watch.
ANYA: I was a demon then, and, and I don't even have any powers now! Is this the spell? (holds a book up)
WILLOW: (looks) Only if you want him to double in size, and grow extra arms, which ... let's not. A-and by the way, you weren't a demon when you turned Olaf into Lord of the Hammers. You managed that. (Anya continues looking at the book) Also, there's ... other ways to hurt Xander.
ANYA: I don't do magic now. You're the one with that kind of power. In fact, D'Hoffryn offered you my old job. You're closer to being a vengeance demon than I am, maybe Xander should be afraid of you.
WILLOW: Xander's my best friend!
ANYA: Oh, and you don't want anyone else to have him. I know what broke up him and Cordelia, you know. It was you! And your lips!
WILLOW: No it was not! Well, yes it was so, but ... that was a long time ago. Do you think I'd do that again?
ANYA: Why not?
WILLOW: Well, hello, gay now.
ANYA: But you're always doing everything you can to, to point out how much I'm an outsider. You've known him since you were squalling infants together. You'll always know him better than I do. You could sweep in and, and poison his mind against me.
WILLOW: You're insane! I am not gonna take him away and I am not gonna hurt him.
ANYA: Well, I'm not either!
Suddenly the door crashes inward as Olaf smashes it with his hammer. Willow and Anya jump up as he storms in, walking over the debris covering the floor.
He walks up to them. Anya thrusts Willow behind her and they clutch each other.
OLAF: I knew it. You two, performing more spells. I could be out pillaging, devouring babies, making merry with the local virgins, but instead, I had to come all the way back here to kill you.
They try to run away but Olaf grabs them with one arm around each of their waists. They scream. He throws them both over the counter and they crash into the merchandise shelves behind the counter. Olaf lifts his hammer and chuckles.
Xander runs in.
XANDER: No, get away from them!
OLAF: (turns to laugh at Xander) I will get away from them, after I kill them.
XANDER: You are not touching these women.
Xander runs at Olaf, who simply holds out his hammer. Xander runs into it and falls down, wincing. Olaf picks him up by the front of his shirt. Xander hits Olaf across the face. Olaf hits Xander in the face with the hammer and Xander flies across the room, smashes into a wall. He gets up. Olaf watches him.
OLAF: Ah, you wish for more? Admirable!
Xander runs forward and punches Olaf. He lifts his arm to punch again but Olaf grabs his arm with one hand, uses the other hand to hit Xander in the head with his hammer. Xander goes down. Olaf reaches down and grabs the back of Xander's jacket and slides Xander across the floor. He crashes into another display case, gets to his feet again as Olaf laughs.
Xander stumbles over to the stairs and climbs halfway up. He launches himself off the stairs at Olaf, who catches him in midair and slams him to the floor. Xander has blood on his forehead and mouth. Olaf laughs again.
OLAF: You fight well, although you are a tiny man. (lifts Xander to his feet) I shall reward you. Only one of your women shall die, (shot of Anya and Willow still lying on the floor) and you shall be the one to choose.
Zoom in on Xander looking surprised. Blackout.
Fade back in on the magic shop. Willow and Anya sit up.
WILLOW: Did he just say-
OLAF: Ha ha. Choose! (gestures at them with one arm, the other arm around Xander's shoulders) Anyanka or the witch. One of your women must die.
The girls get to their feet as Xander shakes his head.
XANDER: No. You are one crazy troll, I ... I'm not choosing between my girlfriend and my best friend. That's insane troll logic.
ANYA: Go Xander. I love you.
OLAF: (laughs, shakes Xander by the shoulders) Good for you. You are a loyal man.
Olaf takes Xander by the wrist and breaks it. We hear the bone snap. The girls scream. Xander doubles over in pain.
OLAF: Now. Choose!
ANYA: Olaf, no!
XANDER: (still bending over in pain) I'm not choosing.
OLAF: Then you shall be the one who dies. (Lifts his hammer with one hand, holds Xander by the hair with the other)
ANYA: (rushes forward) No! (Olaf looks at her) Choose me! Just don't take him! Don't take Xander!
Willow moves up behind Anya and throws a handful of powder at Olaf.
WILLOW: E conspectu abeat monstrum (translation: "let the monster be gone from sight"). (The cash register disappears) Damn.
Buffy and Tara run in.
WILLOW: Tara, stay back!
Buffy rushes forward. Olaf drops Xander and turns to face her. She hits him in the stomach.
ANYA: Buffy, the hammer! The strength's in the hammer!
Olaf swings the hammer at Buffy. She ducks, hits him again. He hits her with the hammer and she lands on some debris. Olaf lunges toward her.
Willow begins mixing more ingredients.
ANYA: How can I help?
WILLOW: Uh, distract him from Buffy, (shot of Buffy and Olaf grappling over the hammer again) uh, piss him off.
ANYA: I don't know how.
WILLOW: Anya, I have faith in you. There is no one you cannot piss off.
Anya smiles proudly, rushes out from behind the counter.
Shot of Buffy and Olaf exchanging blows.
ANYA: Hey Olaf! You're as inadequate a troll as you were a boyfriend!
Olaf looks over at her with an angry grunt. Buffy lands another blow.
Anya looks back at Willow, who gives her the thumbs-up. Anya looks back at Olaf.
ANYA: Uh, y-you're hairy, and unattractive, and even women trolls are put off by your various odors.
WILLOW: (muttering) Instrumentum ultionis, telum fabuloso, surge, surge, terram pro voca. (translation: "Instrument of revenge, fabled weapon, arise, arise," ??)
Olaf's hammer glows green for a moment. He lifts Buffy by the throat.
ANYA: Your menacing stance is merely alarming!
Olaf hits Buffy in the upper arm with his hammer and flings her aside to land against a wall.
ANYA: And your roar is less than full-throated!
OLAF: Desist! (stomps toward Anya) My god, woman, it's been a thousand years, and yet you are as aggravating and emasculating as ever you were.
He swings the hammer at Anya. She ducks.
WILLOW: Vola cum viribus, dominum tuum nega. Vola! (translation: "I wish with all men, that god will deny you.")
Olaf's hammer glows green again and flies out of his hand as he tries to swing it at Anya. It lands on the floor and stops glowing. Olaf stares at his hands. Buffy gets up. Anya goes over to Willow.
ANYA: Hey, good job.
WILLOW: You too, very irritating.
BUFFY: (confronting Olaf) So. Your power's in your hammer?
She rushes at him. He backhands her and she flies across the room again, landing next to Xander.
ANYA: (calls to Buffy) Oh, yeah! I forgot he still has all that troll strength.
Buffy gets up, helps Xander up.
OLAF: You shall all die! I will dispense no mercy now!
Buffy punches him in the face, then again, then a third time. She grabs his arm and twists it up behind his back. He grunts loudly and throws her off. She lands on the floor again.
OLAF: What are you fighting for, minuscule blonde one? Your friends? (gestures to Anya comforting Xander) These two? (chuckles) They will never last. (Buffy's lower lip begins to tremble) Anyanka is very difficult to live with, and he... (we see Willow and Anya both comforting Xander) he's ludicrous and far too breakable. Their love will never last.
Buffy looks on the verge of tears. She gives a sad little whimper. Then she jumps to her feet, flips over Olaf's head. He bends over and she flips herself across his back, spins and kicks him in the chest.
Shot of Willow, Xander, and Anya watching as Buffy drives Olaf across the room.
WILLOW: She's got him now.
Anya nods, then turns her attention to Xander's broken wrist.
ANYA: Poor baby.
They all watch Buffy driving Olaf back in the other direction.
XANDER: You really dated him?
ANYA: (grimaces) Yes.
XANDER: But you like me better, right?
ANYA: (smiles) Yes! Oh, and Willow likes you too, but not in a sexy way, you know, 'cause she's gay. (Willow smiles at Xander) And she's not gonna try to break us up, so, you know, it's all okay.
They all turn to look at the fighting again.
BUFFY: (OS) Their love... (punching noise, Olaf grunts) will last ... (punch, grunt) forever! (punch, sound of Olaf falling to the floor)
Shot of Olaf lying unconscious on the floor.
Shot of Willow looking down at him.
WILLOW: Let the transposition be complete.
Olaf dissolves into nothing and disappears. Willow smiles hugely. Shot of Tara watching.
BUFFY: (OS) Where did you send him?
ANYA: (OS) The land of the trolls.
We see them all standing around in the magic shop.
ANYA: He'll like it there. Full of trolls.
WILLOW: It's hard to be precise, though. Alternate universes don't stay put. Trying to send him to a specific place is sort of like ... like ... trying to hit a ... puppy, by throwing a live bee at it. (They all look at her) Which is a weird image, and you should all just forget it.
ANYA: It's possible that he's in the land of perpetual Wednesday ... or the crazy melty land ... or, you know, the world without shrimp.
TARA: There's a world without shrimp? (Willow looks at her) I'm allergic.
WILLOW: He, he's probably in troll land.
BUFFY: I only care that he's not here, and I got this nifty souvenir.
She turns and puts Olaf's hammer on the countertop. After a moment, the glass breaks and the hammer, plus everything else on the counter, falls into the display case below with a loud crashing noise.
XANDER: The place is trashed enough anyway.
BUFFY: Well, see how well things worked out? (looks fondly at Anya and Xander) And look at you guys. So good and alive and together. (starts to tear up again) So together, and ... good, and ... alive... (sniffles, turns to grab a tissue) Oh, god... (crying) I'm ... I'm just so happy for you...
She bursts into tears and buries her face in the tissue as the others stare.
Cut to: Buffy and Giles sitting at the table in the Summers dining room.
GILES: I cringe to think what the place would have looked like if I'd been away for longer than three days.
BUFFY: Well, maybe we would have had time to clean it up. You know, if Willow used some magicks to help.
GILES: Yes, 'cause nothing could possibly go wrong with that.
Joyce enters with a tray holding a teapot and several mugs.
JOYCE: Rupert, I still don't understand - (Giles gets up and takes the tray) oh, thank you - why the other Watchers made you go all the way to England when they don't know anything.
She and Giles sit down on either side of Buffy.
GILES: (passing out mugs) Well, they don't know it ... yet. I mean, they have no record of, of Glory or anyone like her, but, uh, based on the information that I've given them, they're gonna look into it. Um, they might have something soon.
BUFFY: What about the key? Were they all over it?
GILES: (warily) Yes. (to Joyce) You, you know all of this?
JOYCE: I got some of it myself, Buffy told me the rest.
GILES: (pouring tea) Well, they're interested, certainly, and, uh, full of theories. (Sits back, lifting his cup) Most of them ... nonsensical.
The camera pans past Giles into the hallway. We see Dawn coming down the stairs, stopping when she hears voices.
BUFFY: (OS) They don't know that it's Dawn.
GILES: (OS) No.
Cut back to dining room.
JOYCE: I still can't begin to grasp this. I mean, she's my little girl, I...
Cut back to Dawn on the stairs listening.
GILES: (OS) It is disorienting.
BUFFY: (OS) Giles, what happens if they figure it out? What would they do?
GILES: (OS) I don't know.
Cut back to dining room.
JOYCE: Oh, I can't even think about this. It's too ... I'll get some more milk.
Cut back to Dawn looking upset. The camera lingers on her expression. Blackout.
Executive Producer: Joss Whedon. Back to Transcripts Page