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Where the Wild Things Are
Transcript by joan the english chick (firstname.lastname@example.org)
DISCLAIMER: I do not own these characters or situations. I merely
transcribed what I saw and heard on the screen.
Shot of Anya dropping her dress. Xander looking surprised.
Giles: Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer...
Anya: Please remove your clothing now.
Shot of Anya and Xander kissing.
Anya: Relationship. What kind do we have, and what is it progressing
Tara: They don't even know I exist, right?
Willow: I just like having something that's just, you know, mine.
Shot of Tara putting something on Willow's forehead and lips.
Tara Voiceover: I am, you know.
Willow Voiceover: What?
Shot of Buffy and Riley kissing, embracing. Shot of Buffy in bed
looking up at Riley as he bends down to kiss her.
(Buffy fighting a vampire. She kicks him, they exchange a few punches,
she throws him across the graveyard. Riley joins in and kicks the
vampire. They exchange punches as Buffy loads her crossbow. She brings
it to her face and aims. Riley throws the vampire over his
shoulder. Buffy lowers the crossbow to smile proudly. Riley lifts the
vampire and holds him in position. Buffy fires, but a demon appears
and shoves Riley out of the way, then helps the vampire up. Buffy
drops her crossbow and joins the fight. She kicks the vampire and then
the demon, then moves aside to regroup.)
BUFFY: Okay, you get Fang, I'll get Horny. (Riley looks at her.) I
(The vampire attacks. He throws Riley over his shoulder. Riley rolls
and comes up holding a stake.)
(Buffy kicks the demon in the chest, then a circular kick to knock him
over. She kicks his knee and punches him several times in the
back. Riley knees the vampire in the back. Buffy has the demon by the
neck and stabs him in the back. Riley stakes the vampire and he's
(Buffy throws down her weapon and sighs. Riley puts his stake back in
a thigh holster.)
BUFFY: Whoo! Vampire-demon tag team. (Brushing hair out of her face)
Who says we can't all get along?
RILEY: Don't recall ever seeing that before. (Steps close to her.)
BUFFY: It never happened. (Touching his face) Vamps ... hate demons
... (Riley strokes her hair) Like stripes and polka dots. (Running her
hands down his arms) Major ... clashing. (She and Riley caressing each
other) So, uh ... I guess we should tell Giles about this.
BUFFY: I mean, it's the kind of thing he'd ... wanna know about.
BUFFY: Like, as soon as possible.
RILEY: As soon as possible.
(Cut to Riley's bedroom door opening. Riley comes in holding Buffy,
kissing enthusiastically. She's pulling his shirt off.)
BUFFY: I mean it now. First thing... (smooch) In the
morning... (smooch) We go tell Giles. (Riley's carrying her across the
RILEY: First thing. Good plan. (They fall onto the bed.)
Guest starring Amber Benson, Leonard Roberts, Bailey Chase, Kathryn
Joosten, and Emma Caulfield as Anya.
Written by Tracey Forbes, directed by David Solomon.
(Camera pans slowly across the lobby of Lowell House, darkened. We see
chairs, couches, fireplace. Pan up the stairs and across the landing
to the door of Riley's room. Cut to inside the room. Riley and Buffy
asleep, snuggling. Riley wakes up, looks at Buffy, kisses her
shoulder, gets out of bed. Creepy music, sounds like the same music in
"Hush." Riley puts on pants and leaves, closing the door quietly. He
hears a rattling noise and looks around, looks downstairs, walks
slowly through the dark halls toward a door. Shot of the doorknob and
his hand grasping it. He opens the door and walks into a
bathroom. Turns on the light. The noise continues. Camera pans through
the bathroom: sinks, toilet stalls, bathtub with the shower curtain
pulled shut. Riley looks around the bathroom, approaches the tub
slowly. He yanks back the shower curtain. There's nothing there except
a drippy faucet. Riley makes a face and turns it off. He stands there
looking at it as cheerful music starts.)
(Cut to an ice-cream truck driving down the street, daylight, making
cheery music. Cut to Xander driving the truck, wearing a red-and-white
striped shirt and matching hat. Anya sitting next to him.)
XANDER: Aw, come on. Big party at Riley's house. It's gonna be
fun. Why don't you wanna go? (He stops the truck)
ANYA: You know why not. Those initiative men make me... not
comfortable. And you don't care.
XANDER: They don't even know that you're an ex-demon. And we don't
know that they'd care even if they did know. Which, by the way,
they're not gonna find out. (Gets up and goes into back of truck to
set up) Anyways, they'll probably be too busy flirting with every
other girl at the party to even notice you.
ANYA: So ... you don't think I'm desirable enough to be flirted with?
(X looks surprised) Is that it?
XANDER: I'm just not gonna win here, am I?
ANYA: (sighs. Accusingly) You don't find me attractive any more.
XANDER: What are you talking about? I think you're gorgeous.
ANYA: Oh, really? Well then, why didn't we have sex last night?
XANDER: (looks up) Is that what this is about? We've gone other nights
ANYA: (angry) I know. Twice! I can't believe we're breaking up.
XANDER: Breaking- We're not! Are we?
ANYA: Of course we are. You, you've obviously grown tired of me. I
mean, I've seen it happen to thousands of women over the centuries, I
just never thought it would happen to me.
XANDER: Anya, there's a lot more to you and me than the sex. (Anya
rolls her eyes) Well, there should be! I mean, a relationship is
something that you work at. Work through. Together.
ANYA: I don't understand. I'm pretty, I'm young... I mean... (stands
up, walks closer) Why didn't you take advantage of me? Is something
wrong with your body?
XANDER: (getting mad) There's nothing wrong with my body.
ANYA: Well, there must be. I saw that wrinkled man on TV talking about
XANDER: Whoa! Hey. (Chuckles nervously) All systems go
here. (Gesturing at his crotch) No function problem, okay?
(Anya looks skeptical)
XANDER: (claps his hands, starts unbuttoning his shirt) You want sex?
Let's have sex. Right here. Hot, sweaty, big sex.
(Camera angle changes so we see into the truck from the perspective of
the customer window in the side of the truck. Xander's hands stop
moving. His and Anya's heads turn together.)
(Shot of a group of kids and parents staring up at them.)
(Shot of Xander and Anya giving false smiles.)
GILES VOICEOVER: There's always been great discord between them.
(Cut to Giles holding a rolled-up piece of paper.)
GILES: And yet you say that the, the vampire went to the demon's
aid. The two of them were working as a team?
BUFFY: (sitting on Riley's lap, nods) Everything except giving each
other little pats on the behind.
(We see the interior of a college lounge room. Buffy and Riley in one
chair, Giles on their right, Willow and Tara on the sofa across from
GILES: Extraordinarily odd. (Sits back, crosses his legs, gestures
with the paper) As a rule, demons ... have no empathy for any of the
species other than their own.
(Shot of Buffy and Riley giving each other affectionate looks)
GILES: In fact, most think of (sees someone walking by, lowers his
voice) vampires as ... abominations. Mixing with human blood and all.
WILLOW: So ... what brought these two together?
RILEY: Not what. Who.
GILES: (realizing) Adam. (Pulls off his glasses)
BUFFY: Think about it. Who better to bring together a bunch of
... demon types than someone who's made out of a ... bunch of demon
TARA: So he's, um, bridging the gap between the races.
WILLOW: Huh, like Martin Luther King.
(Shot of Giles raising his eyebrows skeptically)
GILES: Um, (clears throat) I suggest that, uh, over the next several
nights, you two (Shot of Buffy's and Riley's hands stroking each
other) concentrate your patrol in that same area. If there's any other
peculiar pairings or groupings, you let me know.
RILEY: I'll let the squad know as well. They're patrolling. (To Buffy)
We'll have a, uh, reserve unit out during the party.
GILES: (frown) Party?
RILEY: Tomorrow night. We're having a thing.
GILES: At a time like this? Who, well, whose idea was that?
RILEY: Mine. Boys are pretty ragged, need to let off steam.
GILES: Point taken.
RILEY: You're welcome to come.
GILES: Well, much as I, uh, long for a good kegger, I have other
plans. The Espresso Pump. (Sits back, looks embarrassed)
(Buffy and Riley exchange another amorous look, more hand stroking)
WILLOW: What are you doing there?
GILES: I'm, um, uh, it's a, a meeting of, uh, grownups. It couldn't
possibly be of any interest to you lot.
RILEY: Buffy, hey, look at the time. Don't you, uh, have a class?
BUFFY: Yeah, in about 20 minutes.
RILEY: Yeah, but ... I have that ... thing... (Buffy gets it)
BUFFY: Right, that ... thing, we could ... squeeze in ... before.
(They get up)
RILEY: Gotta run.
(Giles waves his paper)
WILLOW: (stretching, grinning) They, they're probably going to- (Tara grins)
GILES: Yes, thank you Willow, I did attend university in the Mesozoic
era, I do remember what it's like.
(Cut to exterior shot of Lowell House, night. Cut to inside. It's
dark. Forrest and Graham come down the stairs from the second floor,
FORREST: Didn't we just get the furnace fixed? It's freezing!
GRAHAM: I'll call in the AM, get somebody to come-
(They hear a noise, turn. Walk over to Riley's door and
listen. Rhythmic moaning from behind the door.)
FORREST: Oh, you gotta be kidding me. When do these two come up for air?
GRAHAM: Slaves to the rhythm.
(They walk off. Focus on the door.)
(Cut to inside the room. Buffy and Riley in bed, smooching and rolling
around. Panting, moaning. A hand opens the drawer on the bedside
table. There are lots of condoms inside. The hand grabs one and
(Cut to downstairs. Another Initiative guy (Mason) is putting wood on
the fire in the fireplace. Forrest and Graham come down the stairs.)
FORREST: Room shoulda warmed up by now.
MASON: I been building this thing for an hour. It's still an icebox in
GRAHAM: Don't bother, Mason, we got a couple of heat generators
pumpin' away upstairs.
(Mason looks up and grins.)
(Forrest and Graham grin too, rubbing their arms to keep warm.)
(Cut to the bedroom. Pan up a naked leg. Buffy and Riley
smooching. Shot of hands on a naked back. Shot from above with Buffy
on top. Closeup on kissing mouths. Long shot of them rolling over so
Riley's on top.)
(Cut to downstairs. Mason finishes with the fire and stands up,
blowing on his hands and rubbing them together. He sits in a chair in
front of the fire.)
(Shot of Graham watching the fire, Forrest walking away.)
(Lingering shot of the fire crackling, flames building.)
(Lingering shot of Riley's bedroom door.)
(Cut to the bedroom. More smooching, moaning. Buffy's back on
top. They get more and more passionate.)
(Cut to downstairs. Flames explode out of the fireplace. Mason
flinches as the flames engulf him.)
(Mason screams. His sleeves and the front of his shirt are on fire.)
(Forrest looks around, grabs a banner and uses it to extinguish the
flames on Mason. Graham moves forward.)
FORREST: Call a medic. Get help!
(Graham runs off.)
(Shot of the fireplace. The flames look very contained now.)
(Anya walking down an alley, looking annoyed. She turns a corner onto
the street. We see the entrance to the Bronze in the distance.)
(Spike leaps out, wearing his vampire face, growling. Anya jumps back
with a yell. Spike looks annoyed.)
SPIKE: Oh, it's you. (Morphs back to human face)
ANYA: Spike! (petulantly) What are you doing? You made me yell really
SPIKE: Hey! Yeah, I did. I scared you. (Grins. Walks right up to her
until his face is inches from hers) Gimme money.
ANYA: I'm not paying you for scaring me. (Pushes him away.)
SPIKE: You're not paying me. I'm robbing you.
ANYA: Oh, well now that's just ludicrous. You can't hurt me because
you've got that chip in your brain. Also, I like my money the way it
is... when it's mine. (Starts to walk past him.)
(Spike growls and spins her around.)
ANYA: Oh, now come on. You're not even bumpy any more.
SPIKE: (feels his forehead with fingers) Oh. I was just a minute
ago. Hang on. (Steps back, preparing) Get me mad again.
ANYA: (sighs) Does this really work? Scaring people into giving you
SPIKE: Yeah, it works. Keeps me in blood and beers. (Grins) Plus, you
know, funny. Watching those little humans quail.
ANYA: I'm beginning to understand why you're so friendless.
SPIKE: Look who's talking! (Looks her up and down) I don't see droopy
boy on your arm. (Softly) Did he have better things to do?
(Anya crosses her arms and raises one eyebrow dangerously.)
(Cut to exterior of Lowell House. Loud party music, people walking in
and out, holding beers. Cut to inside, more of the same. Xander,
Buffy, Willow and Tara standing together.)
(Shot of Buffy looking across the room and smiling.)
FORREST VOICEOVER: You're kidding.
(Shot of Graham, Forrest and Riley by the stairs holding
beers. Riley's looking across the room (at Buffy), not paying
FORREST: Mason requested to go on patrol?
GRAHAM: He just didn't want the girls to see him with his eyebrows all
(Shot of Riley smiling across the room at Buffy.)
(Shot of Buffy smiling back.)
FORREST: He's lucky that's all he lost.
GRAHAM: You shoulda seen it, Rye. Weird as hell.
RILEY: (not listening) Mm-hmm.
(Forrest and Graham frown, look where Riley's looking. Cut to Buffy
and the gang.)
WILLOW: How many kids?
XANDER: I dunno, a whole herd of them. And some parents to
boot. (Buffy glances at him, then looks past him and smiles) It was
kind of embarrassing, which, welcome to life with Anya.
TARA: So you don't even know if she's coming tonight.
XANDER: I'm thinking no. She was... pretty upset. Which, makes me
wonder, is it me? Am I the crazy one? (Willow and Tara shrug at each
BUFFY: (still looking at Riley, not listening) Uh-huh. Absolutely.
(The others look where Buffy's looking.)
WILLOW: Hey, Buffy, this might be a good time to mention that someone,
so not me, spilled something purply on your new peasant top which I
would never borrow without asking. Still love me?
(Willow and Tara look at each other and laugh.)
(Buffy ponders for a moment, then looks at Willow.)
BUFFY: Huh? What about my peasant top?
TARA: (quickly) Xander was just talking about Anya.
XANDER: Oh, it's nothing much. Just feeling pretty glad right now that
a certain ex-demon doesn't have any powers.
(Buffy's attention is gone again, staring over at Riley.)
ANYA VOICEOVER: Boy, I miss those powers.
(Cut to Anya and Spike sitting on a couch at the Bronze, holding beers
and looking morose. Spike has his arm along the top of the couch,
almost touching her.)
SPIKE: Yeah, tell me about it.
ANYA: A year and a half ago, I could have eviscerated him with my
thoughts. Now I can barely hurt his feelings. (Sighs) Things used to
be so much simpler.
SPIKE: (wistfully) You know ... you take the killing for
granted. (Anya nods nostalgically.) And then it's gone, and you're
like, "I wish I'd appreciated it more." Stopped and smelled the
corpses, you know?
ANYA: Yeah. Now everything's complicated.
SPIKE: It's a terrible thing, love is. I been there myself. (Pause) It
ANYA: Of course it did. It always does. Seen a thousand
relationships. First there's the love, and sex, and then there's
nothing left but the vengeance. That's how it works.
(Spike smiles, leans in really close.)
SPIKE: You and I ... should just go do the vengeance. Both of us! You
eviscerate Xander, and I'll stake Dru. Like a project.
(Anya looks tempted.)
ANYA: I don't know. I just can't. (Sighs)
(Spike looks resigned. He takes his arm down.)
ANYA: (encouraging) You can go do Dru though.
SPIKE: (nods) Yeah. I will. (Sits still for a moment) Maybe later.
(Anya smiles. They sit together quietly.)
(Cut back to the party. People dancing, having fun.)
(The Snobby Guy from "Beer Bad" is talking to a girl.)
SNOB: See, the thing that they're afraid to teach us about is the
inherent sensuality of language. I mean, you, you learn French and
they make it all about conjugations and, uh, fronted vowels ... but
nobody really talks about ... you know, the way language tastes, you
know, the, the way it feels, rolling over your tongue. I mean, just
think about "car" versus "voiture." (He leans his hand on the wall,
makes a startled face) Oh!
(The girl looks puzzled. He stares at the wall. Shot of his hand on
SNOB: Wow. (Nervous chuckle)
GIRL: Are you all right?
SNOB: Fine! I - oh! (Gasps. The girl looks concerned.) Oh my god. Wow,
GIRL: So you really like French, huh?
SNOB: Yeah, well... (satisfied smile and sigh)
(Cut to Xander walking through the crowds. He walks up to a girl
(Julie) who's looking at a cabinet of trophies.)
XANDER: (reading trophy inscription) "Lowell house. 1962."
XANDER: Um, just, you know, impressing you with my knowledge of local
history. Or my knowledge of reading.
JULIE: (friendly teasing) You didn't even have to sound anything out.
XANDER: You should see me add short columns of small numbers.
JULIE: You're funny.
XANDER: Thanks. I mean ... funny "how amusing," or funny "back away
and avoid eye contact"?
JULIE: Hmm ... kinda both.
JULIE: Who are you here with?
XANDER: (shrugs) Right now I seem to be here with you.
(She smiles. He smiles back.)
(Cut to Buffy approaching Riley.)
BUFFY: Hey, uh, can we- (points upstairs) I, um, need you to take a
look at an ... essay, for ... class.
RILEY: That ... essay, right. Here. (Hands his drink to
Forrest. Forrest looks annoyed. Graham looks amused)
RILEY: I'll catch you guys in a minute, uh, essay ... gotta look at
... (Buffy pulling him upstairs)
(Forrest and Graham watch them go.)
GRAHAM: And *I'm* the one who got a D in covert ops.
(Forrest shakes his head. They drink their beers.)
(Cut to Snob Guy still talking to the girl. Another guy walks by.)
SNOB: Hey, Evan, Evan, come here. You gotta see this.
(Evan looks confused.)
EVAN: I'm getting a beer.
SNOB: No, no, no, first ... just ... put your hand right
... here. (Points at the wall)
EVAN: (comes over) Okay. Somehow this is a trick, I know it.
SNOB: Here. (Grabs Evan's hand and puts it on the wall. The girl
watches with a grin) Now stay. Don't move. (We see some other people
in the background watching and grinning)
EVAN: Whoa. (Breathing heavily) What is that? (The others laugh) I
kinda feel ... (heavy breathing, gesturing with his other hand near
his crotch) Oh my god. Oh god. (Girl laughs)
(Cut to Willow and Tara sitting on the stairs.)
WILLOW: Horses, like big ... tall ... teeth that can take your arm off
TARA: Well, sure. I learned to ride when I was a kid. It's
fun. (Smiling) And, by the way, most horses don't like arm very much.
(Willow looks uncertain.)
WILLOW: I had a bad birthday party pony thing when I was four. I, I
look at horses and I see really big ponies.
TARA: You should ride with me sometime. I guarantee safety and fun.
WILLOW: Well... if you promise you'll look after me.
(Puts her hand on Tara's knee. Tara suddenly jumps back.)
TARA: Don't touch me!
(Willow frowns in confusion.)
TARA: That's ... just disgusting. (Standing up)
WILLOW: (standing) Tara ... what's the matter?
TARA: (panting) I don't, I don't know.
WILLOW: I'm sorry, I-I didn't mean to ... are-are you feeling okay?
TARA: I'm f-fine, I just wanna ... (pointing upstairs) go to the
bathroom ... (runs up the stairs)
(Willow watches her go, concerned.)
(Cut to Spike and Anya entering the party together. Spike stares at a
SPIKE: Hey ... I know these guys from somewhere.
ANYA: Initiative soldiers, they live here. Experiments happen in the
lab under the house. (Spike beginning to look nervous and angry) It's
where they kept you, put in your chip. Let's have fun!
SPIKE: (angry) What are you doing? You brought me *here*?
XANDER: (offscreen) Anya? What are you doing? (Anya turns)
XANDER: (pointing at Spike) You brought *him* here?
SPIKE: That's what *I* said! Only I hit the "here" part.
XANDER: Anya, this is crazy. (Anya crosses her arms, glares at him) We
had a little fight. It just means that we have to work our way through
some stuff. It doesn't mean that we rebound with the evil
undead. (Spike looks offended) And what have we been doing with him
SPIKE: (grinning) Oh, who's the puffed-up manly man? All splotchy and
possessive. (Walks over to Xander)
ANYA: It's not very convincing, is it?
SPIKE: Yeah. I see now what you said about him earlier. (Looks Xander
up and down) No follow-through.
XANDER: (loudly) Hey! What a surprise! Hostile 17! (Spike trying to
shut him up) Can I get you a drink, Hostile 17?
(Spike looks around anxiously to see if anyone heard.)
ANYA: Xander, stop.
(Spike jumps back from some people who walk by. A bunch of guys walk
past, ignoring them. Spike looks around.)
SPIKE: Pfft! (Regaining his confidence) Well, may be some fun to be
had in the lion's den after all. You two keep scraping. I'll find the
liquor. (Walks away)
XANDER: Anya. What are you doing with him?
ANYA: (angry) We didn't have sex, if that's what you mean. That's all
I do now, not have sex.
XANDER: You're overreacting. We had a fight. But see, it's okay. It's
ANYA: Yes. The normal part of the ending a relationship right before
the vengeance begins.
XANDER: Right. No! Vengeance?
ANYA: Relax, I'm not gonna do it. I'm just trying to tell you that we
have nothing in common besides both of us liking your penis. And now I
don't even have that! So I get to say when it's done. And it's done.
XANDER: Okay, you know what? You don't deserve to be the one to walk
away from this. I've put up with a hell of a lot from you ... much of
that in the last minute ... and if anyone gets to be the one to leave,
it's me. (Starts to walk away)
ANYA: (incredulously) You're leaving *me*?
XANDER: Yes. I am.
ANYA: Where are you going?
XANDER: To enjoy the party. (Walks away)
ANYA: (yells as she pushes through the crowd, moving away from him)
Well then, then I'm staying too, to, to show you how much I'm not
bothered by you having fun! Because I'll be having more fun!
XANDER: (yells across the room) I'm having fun already!
ANYA: (yells) Me too! (Unhappy face) Woo hoo! (Turns and stalks off)
(Xander looks frustrated, walks off in the other direction.)
(Cut to a bunch of people cheering and laughing. Xander turns a corner
and discovers some people sitting on the floor playing Spin The
XANDER: Huh. Sometimes I just don't get the sophisticated college
(He starts to leave, then notices one of the players is Julie, the
girl he was talking to earlier. She notices him too. She looks
surprised, then smiles. She motions with her head indicating that he
should join them. Xander grins and comes to sit down.)
XANDER: Gee, it's a good thing Mom's out. We'd be in trouble.
(Cut to Spike sitting by the beer kegs watching other people drink
(and he's drinking too). The drunk Initiative guy across from him
DRUNK GUY: Hey, buddy. You look familiar.
SPIKE: Yeah. I get that a lot.
(The guy keeps frowning and looking at him. Spike just sits.)
(Cut back to Spin The Bottle. Xander spins, and it lands pointing at
JULIE: Hey, Xander.
XANDER: Julie! (Looks around nervously) Okay. This, then, would be the
kissing. (Nods nervously.)
(Julie gets on all fours and leans toward him. He moves forward,
looking around for Anya, and quickly kisses her cheek.)
XANDER: Very smooth cheek you have there. Do you exfoliate?
(Suddenly Julie grabs him and plants a passionate kiss on him. The
others laugh and cheer. She climbs on top of him, still kissing.)
XANDER: Whoa! (More kissing. He grabs her arms and pulls her away.)
XANDER: Julie! What?
(She suddenly looks horrified.)
JULIE: I'm sorry. I didn't... I'm sorry! (She jumps up and runs
off. Xander looks confused, then runs after her.)
(Xander walks through the crowds, looking around. We hear a girl
yelling "Oh my god!" happily. X finds a group of people around the
spot on the wall. Snob's girl is touching it and going "Oh, oh, oh!
Touch it!" She falls back against Snob Guy. He puts his hand on the
wall. The others chatter loudly.)
(Xander hears crying noises from behind a closed door.)
XANDER: Hi, uh, you okay? (More crying) Julie? (He tries the doorknob
but it's locked.)
(Cut to inside the closet. Julie is crying and cutting her hair off
with a straight razor or knife.)
JULIE: I'm bad. I'm bad.
(She keeps crying and repeating "I'm bad" while chopping off pieces of
hair and dropping them on the floor.)
(Cut to Willow knocking on bathroom door.)
WILLOW: Tara? It's me. (Nothing. She knocks again) Tara? (Opens door)
Tara? (Walks into bathroom, looks around. The camera pans through the
bathroom exactly as it did with Riley at the beginning of the
(Willow goes to the sink, turns on the water, splashes it on her
face. She straightens up, drying her face with a towel. She hears a
gurgling noise and turns around. Frowns, walks over to the
bathtub. Dripping noises. Willow pulls back the shower curtain and
finds a young boy in the bathtub, under water, arms crossed over his
chest, struggling. She reaches down to grab him but he disappears and
there's just a tub full of water.)
(Willow straightens up, turns around. The boy is standing behind her,
dripping wet, arms still crossed over his chest. She screams.)
(Cut to Buffy and Riley in bed, kissing. Buffy's on top. They hear the
scream and stop kissing, look toward the door.)
RILEY: (panting) Was that Willow?
BUFFY: (panting) I don't know. (Looks at him.) Doesn't matter. (They
(Cut to Spin The Bottle game. Two people kiss while the others
cheer. Xander enters.)
XANDER: Hey guys, that girl Julie, she's freakin' out. (They ignore
him, still playing the game.) Is anyone friends with Julie? (Laughter,
(Cut to Willow coming down the stairs.)
WILLOW: Xander? Tara? (Runs through the house. Finds Xander staring at
the Spin The Bottle people.)
WILLOW: Xander. Ghost boy. Drowning in a tub. I, I tried to save him,
but, being a ghost already, well, I was way too late.
XANDER: A ghost? (Willow nods) What's the deal? Is every frat on this
campus haunted? And if so, why do people keep coming to these parties,
cause it's not the snacks.
(Tara walks up, touches Willow's arm.)
WILLOW: Tara, how are you?
TARA: I'm okay, but ... I, I don't like it here. This house ... I, I
think we should go.
(Xander looks over as there's more laughter from the bottle game.)
(Closeup on the bottle spinning. Instead of slowing down it gets
faster and faster. The players look puzzled. Suddenly the bottle
explodes. People yell as broken glass sprays at them.)
WILLOW: We need Buffy. (She and Xander run off. Tara follows.)
(They run upstairs.)
XANDER: (yells) Buffy?
WILLOW: (yells) Buffy? Riley?
(They pound on the door. No answer.)
(Suddenly, sharp-looking spiny thorns, with green leaves, sprout from
the cracks around the edges of the door. Willow and Xander jump back.)
(Long shot of Buffy and Riley in bed, smooching and writhing. We hear
panting and moaning, which echoes, and faintly we can hear Xander
still pounding and yelling Buffy's name. The bed recedes until it's
just a small square in the middle of the screen, with blackness all
(Long shot of the bed as a tiny square in the middle of a black
RILEY: Do you wanna go back?
(Cut to Xander still pounding on the door.)
WILLOW: Buffy! Riley!
(Tara turns and looks behind them)
XANDER: We gotta get them outta there.
(Tara starts to walk away while Willow and Xander stare at the
writhing thorns still growing from under the door.)
(Tara walks to the balcony and looks down on the main floor. The
people are looking around as the building starts to shake. People
scream and run around. Glass rattling, everything shaking. The people
scream and run toward the door. Suddenly there's a strong tremor and
everyone falls onto the floor including Tara, Willow and
Xander. People get up and run around.)
(Shot of Spike sitting calmly in his chair as people run around
panicking. Spike smiles.)
SPIKE: Well, this party's starting to liven up after all.
(Suddenly straps shoot out of the chair he's sitting in, wrapping
around his chest, wrists, legs, and one over his mouth. He drops his
plastic cup of beer.)
(Shot of Graham standing still, looking grim, as people run screaming
past him. Forrest runs toward him, against the flow of people.)
FORREST: Graham, quit standing around! Help get these people to
GRAHAM: Touch not the impure thing...
GRAHAM: Or ye shall perish. Find salvation in the cross of our lord
FORREST: Right. (He goes to the wall and flips a switch. Grabs Graham
and turns him to face the wall as the green scanner light travels
across their faces.)
COMPUTER VOICE: Retinal scan accepted.
(Elevator opens. Forrest gets in, looks back at Graham, who just
stands there. Forrest grabs him and pulls him into the elevator. The
(The building is still shaking. People running and screaming. Shot of
Anya in the midst of them. The shaking stops. Anya looks around,
panting. Suddenly she sees a girl screaming and waving her arms,
running toward her. The girl runs right to Anya and through her. Anya
gasps and puts her hands on her stomach. Looks behind her but the girl
has disappeared. Anya looks around. The shaking begins again.)
(Cut to the bottom of the stairs. Willow, Xander and Tara coming
down. Anya runs over to them.)
XANDER: Anya. We gotta get out of here. Come on!
(Books start flying off the shelves and attacking them. They all duck
and run away.)
(Shot of Spike struggling, managing to pull the restraints off
himself. Jumps out of the chair and runs off.)
(The gang and a few others running toward the door and out. Xander
looks back and sees Julie, bald, staggering toward him.)
JULIE: Please help me.
(Xander runs over and grabs her, helps her toward the door. There are
patchy clumps of hair still on her head but she's mostly bald.)
(Cut to the Initiative labs: people working on computers. Forrest and
Graham enter. They go over to a scientist who's on the phone.)
FORREST: We got trouble upstairs.
(Scientist motions them to wait.)
SCIENTIST: (into phone) Now. (Hangs up, starts to walk away. Forrest
and Graham follow.)
FORREST: Some sort of disembodied presence in the house.
SCIENTIST: We've been paging you.
FORREST: Whatever this thing's outputting, it must be scrambling all
SCIENTIST: Guard section 2, level 5 precautions. If the cell door
locking mechanisms malfunction ... you know what to do.
FORREST: Got it.
(Scientist walks off. Forrest looks at Graham.)
FORREST: You with me?
GRAHAM: I'm good.
FORREST: Let's lock it down.
(They walk off.)
(Cut to exterior of Lowell House. Xander helps Julie out. Tara,
Willow, Spike, and Anya are there. Julie immediately runs off. Spike
takes out a cigarette and lights it.)
WILLOW: We have to go back in there.
XANDER: Because Buffy and Riley are trapped.
ANYA: So? (Willow and Tara look surprised) She's the Slayer, he's a
big soldier boy, what do they need you for?
XANDER: Anya, look around! There's ghosts and shaking, and people are
going all Felicity with their hair... We're fresh out of superpeople,
and somebody's gotta go back in there. (Deep breath) Now who's with
(Willow and Tara hesitate.)
SPIKE: I am.
(Everyone looks at Spike in surprise.)
SPIKE: I know I'm not the first choice for heroics ... (drops his
cigarette and grinds it out with his foot) and Buffy's tried to kill
me more than once. And, I don't fancy a single one of you at
all. But... (pauses) Actually, all that sounds pretty
convincing. (Frowns, shakes his head and walks away.) I wonder if
Danger Mouse is on.
ANYA: Xander, let's get out of here.
XANDER: You wanna bail, fine. (Points into house) I'm going back in
there, and I'm not coming out till I bring my friend with me.
(He walks to the door, opens it, peeks inside. Takes a few steps in,
then something invisible pushes him out. He flies backward and lands
several yards down the path. Groans and makes a pained face. Shot of
Anya looking upset.)
XANDER: Or ... it ... could be Watcher time.
WILLOW: We'll, we'll go to Giles'.
TARA: No, no, wait, he, he isn't there. He was going to the Espresso
WILLOW: Right, he-he told us not to come. He, he needed some grownup
(They hurry off.)
(Cut to Giles in the coffee bar, playing a guitar. He's wearing casual
clothes and has an earring in his left ear. Lots of people are sitting
GILES: (sings) No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
No one knows what it's like
To be hated...
(Shot of Anya, Willow, Xander and Tara watching, amazed. Willow's and
Anya's mouths hanging open.)
GILES: (sings) To be fated...
XANDER: Um, could we go back to the haunted house? Cause, this is
creeping me out.
TARA: Does he do this a lot?
XANDER: Sure. Every day the earth rotates backward and the skies turn
GILES: (sings) But my dreams, they are as empty, as my
conscience... (Notices the kids watching, looks embarrassed but keeps
singing) seems to be...
GILES: (sings) I have hours, only lonely...
WILLOW: Now I remember why I used to have such a crush on him.
GILES: (sings) ...my love is vengeance[?]...
TARA: Well, he *is* pretty good.
GILES: (sings) ...that's never free-ee....
ANYA: (agreeing) His voice ... is pleasant. (All three girls are
GILES: (sings) No one knows what it's like... [unintelligible]
WILLOW: Oh, come on, he is kinda sexy.
GILES (sings) Like I do...
XANDER: I'm fighting total mental breakdown here, Will. No more
fueling the fire please.
GILES: (sings) And I blame you...
(The song trails off as we cut back to Lowell House, now deserted,
wreckage everywhere. The camera pans across the room and up the stairs
to Riley's door, just like before, only now the vines cover the entire
door and much of the ceiling and floor nearby. Muffled howling and
(Cut to Buffy and Riley in bed. They let go of each other and lie side
by side, panting.)
BUFFY: You're, you're too far away from me.
RILEY: I'm right here.
BUFFY: (panting) You ... have to ... keep touching me... (Rolls over
and starts kissing him again. Moaning, panting)
(Cut to the college library. Giles pacing while the others sit at a
GILES: When you called to Buffy and Riley, they didn't cry out or, or
respond in any way?
ANYA: (bored) No. They're probably dead.
XANDER: Unless they're too busy doin' it to answer.
GILES: Doing what? (Sits at the table across from Xander)
XANDER: You know, for a god of acoustic rock, you're ... kind of naive.
GILES: (rolls his eyes) I didn't think you meant ... In the midst of
all that, do you really think they were keeping it up?
(Everyone looks at him.)
GILES: Oh, for a different phrasing.
WILLOW: Well, see, that's the thing. People all over the party were
starting to act ... weird. (Quietly) Sexually.
GILES: In what way?
WILLOW: You know. (Embarrassed) Ways. (Looking through an old book)
GILES: Well, it could be some form of, uh, succubi, or a satyr's
prank. It could even be energy coming from the, the lab underneath the
WILLOW: It wasn't always a fraternity, look!
(They all come to look at her book.)
WILLOW: (reading) "Between 1949 and 1960, the Lowell Home for Children
housed upwards of 40 adolescents: runaways, juvenile delinquents, and
emotionally disturbed teenagers from the Sunnydale area."
TARA: Children? Did any of them, um, die in there?
GILES: If there were deaths, then, uh, perhaps we're dealing with a
fairly ... standard haunting.
WILLOW: It doesn't say. It's mostly about the old house director,
Genevieve Holt. "Sunnydale Children's Aid. 30 years of community
service. Giving disadvantaged kids the love and care they deserve."
GILES: When did she die?
WILLOW: (looks at book, looks up at Giles) She didn't.
(Cut to old lady's house. She opens a pair of French doors and ushers
in Giles, Xander, and Anya.)
MRS. HOLT: No, no, I don't mind at all. I was up. Early morning prayer.
GILES: Of course.
MRS. HOLT: And I like talking about my kids. (Sits in chair)
(Xander and Anya looking around the room)
MRS. HOLT: I still call them that. My kids.
GILES: I, I suppose you were like a mother to them. (Sits on sofa) You
did everything for them?
MRS. HOLT: Oh yes. I fed them clothed them, educated them in the way
of the lord. I was given a medal.
(Xander and Anya sit on sofa beside Giles)
GILES: Yes, wonderful. Uh, congratulations. Um, this'll sound a little
strange, but, ah, did you notice any odd... disturbances in the house?
MRS. HOLT: (frowns) I don't understand.
GILES: We-well, um, like uh, furniture moving of its own accord, or,
uh, objects appearing out of nowhere, or, or perhaps you saw someone
appear one moment, and then they were gone the next, i-inexplicably.
MRS. HOLT: Why, that sounds like crazy talk.
GILES: Yes, it does, doesn't it? Yes. Um... (Looks at Xander and Anya)
Well, forgive me for, for asking this, but um, the children in your
care, were any of them ever ill, or did anything ever happen to any of
MRS. HOLT: Well, some had the flu and such. No one died, if that's
what you mean. The engraving on the medal says how good I was with the
GILES: (smiles) Oh, yes.
MRS. HOLT: I treated them as I would my own flesh and blood. Gave them
hugs and praise when they were good, and ... punished them when they
GILES: Well, ah, children will be children. They, you know, they do
like to play in the, uh, the muck. (Smiling)
(Mrs. Holt looks disapproving.)
ANYA: You didn't mean mud dirty.
MRS. HOLT: My kids didn't think I knew, but I did.
GILES: (starting to understand) Very, uh, perceptive of you.
MRS. HOLT: Without me they would have been shut out of the
kingdom. Lost to lust.
GILES: But you ... helped them.
MRS. HOLT: The girls felt the vanity more than the boys. I'd see them
preening like Jezebel. Doting over their pretty hair.
XANDER: So you'd hack it off.
MRS. HOLT: I'd remove the temptation to admire themselves. (Giles
removes his glasses) They were better for it.
ANYA: What about the bathtub? Something happened there.
MRS. HOLT: I performed baptisms on the most unclean. Those who were
tainted with impure thought and deed.
GILES: You held them under?
MRS. HOLT: They needed to be reborn. (Rises) You choose to pass
judgment on me?
GILES: (Rises) Well, someone ought to! You traumatized and, (she waves
her hand dismissively) and abused these children, children who, who
have no doubt become extremely disturbed adults! (She starts to walk
away; he pursues her) You have ruined lives, Mrs. Holt. Furthermore,
what you did has now manifested itself as a, a malevolent presence
which threatens still more lives! You have a great deal to answer for.
MRS. HOLT: I refuse to listen to this when I can smell the sin on each
and every one of you. (Points to them all)
XANDER: Yeah? You smell sin? Well let me tell you something, lady, she
who smelt it dealt it!
(Giles looks at him.)
XANDER: It's like what you said, but faster.
(Cut to the three of them leaving her apartment.)
XANDER: Well, that totally adds to my "old people are crazy" theorem.
ANYA: I don't get it. I mean, those kids were tortured, but they
weren't killed, so where are those ghosts coming from?
GILES: I don't believe there are any ghosts.
ANYA: One ran right through me.
GILES: Not a ghost. An apparition. I believe we're dealing with a kind
of poltergeist. A whole cluster of them, in fact, born out of intense
adolescent emotion and sexual energy.
ANYA: Both of which were totally pent up during Mrs. Holt's reign of
XANDER: So with Buffy and Riley having ... you know, acts of nakedness
around the clock lately, maybe they set something free. Like a ... big
GILES: Yes. And now the poltergeists are drawing more and more energy
out of them. Feeding on them in fact. Buffy and Riley are, are
powering this whole thing.
XANDER: Okay, they're the battery in the boo factory, so what happens
when the battery's drained?
(Cut to Buffy and Riley in bed. Blurry slow-motion kissing.)
GILES VOICEOVER: They die.
(Buffy and Riley in bed. Blurry slow-motion kissing. Panting,
moaning. Riley pulls away, lies back.)
BUFFY: Don't stop. Never stop touching me.
(She turns his face toward her and they kiss again.)
(Cut to Tara spreading a red cloth on a table, then sitting in a chair
. Willow brings candles and sets them on the table, sits down. We see
Giles sitting on the floor. They're in Willow and Buffy's dorm room.)
ANYA: What good are weapons against disembodied spirits, Xander? They
have no ass to kick.
(We see Xander rummaging in Buffy's weapon chest.)
GILES: She's right. (Gets up, holding a book) You should just stay
WILLOW: We'll bind the spirits long enough for you to get Riley and
XANDER: How much time will you buy us?
TARA: Could be tricky, we're calling upon the communal spirit of a
certain time and place. (Willow lighting candles. Xander takes out
weapons, hands one to Anya, holds a machete.)
XANDER: Let's go.
(Anya looks at the sword he gave her, and follows him.)
(Cut to Xander outside the Lowell House. He sighs.)
XANDER: What do you feel?
ANYA: (pressed against the window) Sad, afraid of being without you,
and a little hungry.
XANDER: I meant about the house.
ANYA: Oh. Still haunted.
(Cut to the dorm room.)
TARA: Give me your hands. Form a circle.
(She and Willow and Giles hold hands, eyes closed.)
TARA: Children of the past, spirits of Lowell, be guided by our
light. Come forth and be known to us.
GILES: Ho-how will we know when it works? (A noise. They all open
their eyes and see a bunch of ghostly children standing around them.)
TARA: We'll know.
(They look around nervously.)
(Cut to exterior of house. The door swings open. Xander and Anya look
in nervously. Xander steps forward, looks in.)
XANDER: House is clean.
ANYA: Let's go. You first.
(Xander takes a breath, walks in. Anya follows. They look up. The
entire staircase is covered in the leafy, spiny vines.)
XANDER: We need to work fast. Never know how long before the munchkins
ANYA: Or the human battery conks out.
(They start walking up the stairs, through the vines.)
XANDER: Watch your fingers.
(He starts hacking at the vines with his machete.)
TARA: We implore you ... be still. (Ghost children watching silently)
GILES: Find it in your hearts to leave our friends passage.
WILLOW: Transform your pain. Release your past. And ... uh ... get
(Giles looks at her, nervous. Willow shrugs.)
(Cut back to Lowell House. Xander is ahead of Anya, hacking at vines.)
XANDER: You okay?
(Anya looks angry, hacking at a vine.)
(Xander makes it to Riley's door, tries to reach for the knob. A
sudden wind comes up.)
(Cut to dorm room. The wind blows Willow's hair around. The children
look up. Their hair is blowing too. The wind howls loudly. Screeching
TARA: (yelling) Find here the serenity you seek, the peace you -
(The red-covered table flies out from under their hands and crashes
against the door. The wind stops. They look around.)
GILES: What's happened?
TARA: We lost them.
(Cut to Lowell House. The howling and wind continue. Xander is
suddenly thrown back from the door, landing on his back.)
(The vines grab Xander, throw him into the bathroom and shut the
ANYA: Xander! (Runs to the door and grabs the knob. She is thrown
back, through the balcony railing and down to the floor below. Lands
half on the floor, half on a sofa.)
(Cut to Xander in the bathtub, being held underwater by unseen hands,
struggling. Through the water he can see the children standing over
him, watching. He can't breathe.)
(Cut to Anya getting painfully to her feet, looking determined. Starts
up the stairs. Howling and screeching noises continue.)
ANYA: Shut up, repressed crybabies!
(A huge thorn suddenly sprouts from the vine her hand is resting
on. The thorn goes right through the middle of her hand. She screams.)
(Pulls the thorn out, looking even madder. Continues up the stairs.)
(Cut to Xander still struggling. Through the water he sees Anya
reaching for him. She pulls him out of the water and helps him up.)
(They burst out of the bathroom into the hall. There are more vines
XANDER: Come on, we just gotta-
(A vine knocks him down.)
(Anya helps him up and they continue fighting their way through the
ANYA: We can make it through this.
(The push on cautiously. A bunch of vines wrap around Anya.)
ANYA: Xander, get it off!
(He unwraps her. They clutch each other, make their way to the
door. Twist the knob and push the door open.)
(Shot of the bed seen from far away, as before, suddenly rushing
closer and closer.)
(The howling noises stop.)
(Shot of Xander and Anya framed in the doorway.)
(Buffy and Riley in bed, naked. The light from the doorway illuminates
them. They sit up, clutching the sheets against themselves.)
BUFFY: Xander! Don't you knock?
(Shot of Xander and Anya looking disheveled. They look at each other,
turn and walk away.)
RILEY VOICEOVER: I can't believe it really happened.
(Cut to cafeteria the next day.)
BUFFY: I just had no idea. It's so creepy! (Looks up at the others) He
was really singing?
XANDER: I'd say it was more like crooning. (To Anya) If we grow old
together, remind me to skip the midlife crisis. (Puts his hand on her
ANYA: (smiling, softly) Okay. (They look affectionately at each
WILLOW: Come on, you have to admit, it was kinda sexy.
XANDER: Please stop saying that. I'm willing to offer cash incentives.
RILEY: We're just lucky no one got injured. (Looking at Buffy) No
thanks to us.
WILLOW: Don't be too hard on yourself.
BUFFY: He's right, Will. If Riley and I hadn't ... gotten so wrapped
up in each other, none of this would've happened.
ANYA: True. Feel shame.
(Riley looks like he is doing just that.)
XANDER: My girlfriend. Mistress of the learning plateau.
WILLOW: Really, it wasn't your fault. You were under the influence of
BUFFY: We were like zombies. I had no control over myself at all.
WILLOW: Must have been horrible.
(Buffy looks sidelong at Riley.)
(Riley looks at her, looks down.)
BUFFY: Yeah. Horrible.
(They both nod firmly.)
RILEY: It was bad.
Blackout. Executive Producer: Joss Whedon.
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